Do You Tell Your Parents the Details of Your Finances?

by PT

Reader Question

I recently got this question from a reader concerning parents and money:

“I am trying to figure out why I feel uncomfortable about something- My husband and I are saving for a car, we are debt-free, have $10,000 for an emergency fund, and have $2,000 in the future car savings account. Dad said to me he wants to “match” our car savings and help us get a car a lot sooner. This bothers me. I want us to do this on our own. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Help me sort this out!! Am I wrong to not want his “gift of a match” or what? I’m confused… thanks.”

My Attempt at an Answer

“I think what’s missing for me to accurately comment are two things: 1. Does your Dad know of your solid financial position and smart choices or does he think you are struggling? 2. Do you sense that your Dad is doing this to assert control over you and your husband?

If your Dad is simply proud of your solid financial situation and is motivated to help you out with some extra funds that he has, I say take him up on it, as long as you guys discuss that there are no strings attached.

On the flip side, you may be offended because you think that he thinks you are struggling. If that’s the case, then politely share with him that you aren’t having trouble, but are just making a smart choice.”

Next Question

First off, that’s a wonderful situation to be in. I’m hoping to be there myself one day. While I didn’t exactly have the full details (the reader never responded to my questions), I tried to answer the question as best I could. I had to make a few assumptions though. One of them was I assumed the reader’s father only knew she was saving for a car, and didn’t know the full story behind her financial situation (solid savings & no debt). The reader seemed to be suggesting that her Father assumed they were in dire straights and was trying to help them out. With that said, I’d like to propose an additional question(s):

Do you talk with your parents about your financials? If so, how much do you disclose to them?

Photo: by freeparking

{ 7 comments }

Randall at CreditWithdrawal February 22, 2008 at 10:54 am: Umm, No.

http://www.creditwithdrawal.com/2008/02/06/should-you-share-financial-information-with-family/
(remove the link if you find it inapproriate).

Randall.
PT February 22, 2008 at 11:24 am: Thanks for sharing, Randall. No problem. Great article. Had I known you’d posted on this, I’d of linked to you in the article.

Ok, so that’s one BIG vote for NO! Any other opinions?
krasni February 24, 2008 at 3:14 pm: It’s a HUGE deal in our family when we get out of the parental financial picture. I announced my financial independence on my 22nd birthday, and any discussion of finance since then has been general or educational. I bought my first and subsequent cars alone (no one else involved in financing or in even coming to the dealership.) I bought my house alone.

I’ve had to deal with some obnoxious people who don’t like selling to women in their 20s without daddy there, but they don’t get my business. The first realtor I saw–oh, man! She all but patted me on the head and asked where my male keeper was. That did not fly.

There are lots of families that do it differently, but if you have a hesitation in accepting your father’s assistance, that gut feeling is worth listening to! My grandmother offers 20% “interest” on savings accounts she holds. She deposits the “interest” on Christmas day and will give us our money upon request. It’s great for my 17 year old brother’s college fund, but I don’t use it because I don’t want to be quizzed about my wisdom in using my savings for A, not B.

IF YOU FEEL HESITANT, DON’T DO IT! Suggest that you would feel uncomfortable as a couple accepting such a gift. Perhaps your dad would like to host a family vacation somewhere, or have some other family outing that would use the money for time together. In my mind, it’s the difference between being taken out to dinner and being brought bags of groceries–one is a perfectly normal interaction between equals, while the other is a patronage arrangement, and should be avoided if possible if you desire real independence.
PT February 24, 2008 at 3:51 pm: Thanks, Krasni. I like the groceries/out to dinner analogy.
pete @ biblemoneymatters February 25, 2008 at 9:57 am: I for one feel hesitant with ever taking money from parents/in-laws. I think sometimes parents lending money can actually be them having a way of controlling you, or having you feel indebted to them. They may not even be doing it consciously.

If you can do it on your own, I would suggest doing it on your own. Family lending family money (or even giving) almost never is a good thing in my opinion. Of course there are situations where it can be good, but, I think as a rule it isn’t a good thing. Do it on your own, or don’t do it.
Becky@FamilyandFinances February 27, 2008 at 2:42 pm: I come from a very non-judgemental, non-controlling family and so does my husband. Neither of us would hesitate to share financial information with our parents if we felt it was beneficial to a conversation. We don’t lay out our whole financial picture to them, but if we’re having a discussion about savings accounts, we wouldn’t hesitate to let them know where we bank and what kind of interest rates we’re getting.

It’s funny, we’ve actually had both sets of parents asking *us* for financial advice!

I think it really depends on the relationship you have with your family.
PT February 27, 2008 at 3:12 pm: Becky – Thanks for sharing. Sounds like a good relationship. I agree, there’s a balance you need to achieve with what you disclose.